Do The Hard Things

by Connie Pruss

Writer and Educator

About ten years ago my closest friend was killed when a huge pine tree crashed down on her while she was riding her bicycle through a forested area in Oregon. I look at her high school pictures now and marvel at how young and beautiful and full of joy she was then. She had gone eagerly into her adulthood, expecting a full life filled by her work, her friends, and her handsome husband, with whom she hoped to have children. Instead she died at age 27, the victim of a freak accident of nature.

Life is like that. It can be unexpectedly crushing or just as easily, full of surprising turns of happiness. At the bottom, what each of us knows, as a human being on planet Earth, is that the things that happen to us often do just happen. We are weak and puny when compared to the often violent forces surrounding us in nature and in our society in general. Perhaps this is why strong-willed, healthy individuals are driven to try to control their lives in at least small ways. Perhaps this is why we must try to control our lives-in order to survive in a world filled with unexpected events.

Although I am a strong-willed person, I have spent much of my life feeling fearful and dependent, perhaps because of the way I was raised, or perhaps simply because I am a female in a society which has only recently begun teaching women to be physically fit, assertive and confident. In the last few years I have purposely pursued a course of life which has forced me to grow as an individual and become stronger than I was before. So recently when I participated in an Untaming Workshop, I was ready to learn more about being powerful and feeling in control in a society and world which often makes that difficult.

Chelona Edgerly and her assistants taught me and five other women some of the basic moves of kickboxing and self-defense and encouraged us at the same time to explore our feelings of anger over old wounds from childhood or other past experiences. We learned to give and take punches and kicks and by the end of the workshop, each woman was able to successfully defend herself against a male attacker.

This was a completely new experience for me. I had never participated in anything like it, unlike many men who seem to grow up learning along the way to fight for themselves and to withstand aggressive acts from others without crumbling in fear. I didn't know before this weekend that I could take it-that I could stand my ground, that I could use my voice and body to let someone know that he or she can't mess with me. I learned that I am stronger than I thought-that I can do hard things and that I can protect myself emotionally and physically.

In the course of this weekend, I learned not only to be able to protect myself from others-to draw an invisible circle around myself which others cannot cross without my permission, but to act more positively on my own behalf. In the days following the workshop, I immediately found myself able to make a difficult life-changing decision that I had been struggling with for months. As I have faced the consequences of this decision, I have had to turn again and again to this new knowledge that lies within me-I can do hard things, I tell myself now, and with effort, I do what is required, even if I feel very apprehensive. I have become more assertive with my children and in my other relationships. I feel generally stronger when I walk into a store or down the street-powerful, rather than vaguely fearful.

I know I can't control everything that happens to me. A tree may fall, a gun may be raised and of course, death will come for us all. But in the meantime, in a world in which the strong are more likely to survive, I and other women need to feel and be as powerful as we can, and for many of us, that feeling of power is a few steps beyond where we are right now. Dr. Edgerly's workshop is a way to step toward a little more security in a world that can feel overwhelming. It's another choice toward life in a world that sometimes seems to place the odds too much against us.

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Certainty as the Cure for Anger II by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Hate Crimes Against Women by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Three Faces of Fear by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D. and Chelona Edgerly, Ph.D.

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Strong Is Sexy by Chelona Edgerly, Ph.D.