Hate Crimes Against Women

Written by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Two brief scenes. Polar opposites.

In one day at a coastal resort we witnessed both these events. One quite distressing and the other equally pleasing.

The first scene started in a hot tub near the main pool. Three teenage boys and two teenage girls. Suddenly one of the younger males began to try to yank the swimsuit top off the younger female. She resisted, he persisted. She resisted further. The male then put a choke hold on the girl and began to pull at the top again as panic clearly swept over her face. The other girl, her older sister, seeing the altercation leapt on top of the male twisted his neck into a grotesquely distorted position and he let go. A few brief words were exchanged and all three males left. Neither of the other two males did anything to aid the girl.

We watched this from our third floor balcony so there was no chance to intervene. The girls left the pool area but returned in about 15 minutes. They stood a few feet from the edge of the pool where there were over 120 adults lounging around or in the pool. A young male approached the younger girl and she stepped back. He reached out and grabbed her wrist and she slapped him quite hard. He didn't release and she slapped him again. He then punched her in the face with a closed fist. Her sister grabbed his arm, put him in a arm lock and rabbit punched him in the neck. She released him, far too soon, and stepped back when he immediately punched her in the face with a closed fist. She jumped into his facing screaming at him and he began to back away and quickly left. No one around the pool did anything. She began an obvious discourse to her sister on self defense.

The girls were gracious enough to speak with us, but in confidence. They did allow us to say they were 13 and 17.

The second scene occurred around the same pool that evening. As we enjoyed the evening breeze coming off the ocean we saw two girls grab their friend and begin to try and throw her in the pool. She, in street clothes, resisted hard. The struggle went on briefly and playfully when three boys who had been talking (flirting?) with them jumped up obviously to assist. When they reached the girl struggling against her friends, all three stopped and talked to her for just a moment, then all three relaxed and walked away leaving the three girls to play. She never landed in the pool and all 6 went on with their talking.

I wanted to pose the question about which of these scenes is typical for adolescent females or even adolescents in general. That question may be worth asking and of some interest. However, I realized, the answer to that question doesn't matter to the girls who are attacked, raped or harassed. Typical or rare doesn't matter to them because their trauma remains no matter what the answer.

There are several important questions raised by the assault and harassment we witnessed. First, how are we raising females that leave them feeling unable to defend themselves when under attack, be it emotional, physical or spiritual? Second, how are we raising males that they feel the freedom to harass and attack females with immunity? Finally, how have we as a people become so complacent that a girl could be hit, full force, in the face in front of 200 people and no one intervened?

Niceness training is pervasive. In this country many females are raised to believe the solution to problems is to be nice. If that fails be nicer. An example is often seen in singles situations. A woman is approached by a unpleasant male she has no interest in. Her response is to try to solve the problem by being nice. This, inadvertently, reinforces the male who comes on stronger. She responds by being even nicer. The loop runs endlessly and she wonders why she doesn't meet any nice guys. The nice guy she wanted to meet is sitting across the room wondering why the bums get all the women.

A practical step is to decide how close do you feel comfortable standing/sitting physically near people. Imagine an invisible boundary, perhaps a circle, which extends around you. Now determine a series of responses should anyone cross that line without permission. The series could start with the word "Stop!" or the phrase "Back off!" stated firmly and abruptly. The next choice might be to move back or to the side and recreate the distance. If that fails running is always a useful choice. Finally, knowing how to place the appropriate knee might be useful. Physical attack is always the last choice but in no way is it an inappropriate choice.

These days the phrase "boundaries" seems to have been used to the point of exhaustion. But knowing your physical perimeter is extremely important. Likewise know your emotional perimeter. What information are you willing to give and what information is private. All too often people seem willing, or even feel obliged, to answer questions even if they are personal and private. Stop that now! That information is only earned by people you have come to trust. Period! End of story!

When do we teach a male that no means no? This begins in early childhood. Parents need to make it clear that when they say no it is not a time for debate or discussion nor is it a time the child can continue to do the unacceptable behavior. Make your 'no's' mean no! If you are already an adult and don't know this write the sentence down: "No means no". Read it daily. Learn it, memorize it, and KNOW IT! On one of the frequently used intelligence tests there is a question that goes approximately like this: If someone much smaller (or physically weaker) than you tries to pick a fight what do you do? If you answer anything which involves you using physical force YOU GET NO CREDIT. I guess you could say you would be considered ignorant. This is not intended to imply women are "the weaker gender" but on average males have more height and weight than most of the women they encounter. Where do they get off using violence? In boxing if a fighter is as little as a pound over the matched weight limit (a range of usually 7 or 8 lbs.) the fight is canceled. The simple advantage of 1 pound is seen as so great that it is not a fair match.

Perhaps bigger than the issue of "no means no" is the whole question of people respecting people. For all the alleged gains in equity I believe we remain a bigoted people. Hate crimes terrify, and rightfully so, ethnic and religious groups as well as people with certain gender preferences. Begin to consider the possibility that attacks against women and domestic violence are also hate crimes. While these examples may seem extreme how we treat women seems to me no different than how slaves were treated. But as in all prejudice and bigotry for most people their hatred is far subtler. Blond jokes, women jokes (and man jokes), discounting women under the excuse of PMS, taking their opinion less seriously, etc. are all forms of disrespect. Today a major issue is certain militant groups which are prejudiced against people of color or people who are Jewish. These groups disgust most people, yet these same people often go to churches or religious groups which openly oppress women. Imagine saying that people of color couldn't hold certain offices or have certain authority because they are of color? Yet many organizations don't hesitate to do this to women and say it is "of God".

Are your children hearing this kind of talk or seeing this attitude? Does your partner live with this type of oppression? And for women do you retaliate with similar hate crimes? Discounting your partner because "he's a man". Take a long hard look at your own attitudes and beliefs and begin to work on changing the ones that are ultimately disrespectful.

One day I went to lunch with a long time friend of mine and we took his offices support staff with us. His support staff consisted of 5 women. For several years he had talked with me about these women both praising their work and sometimes asking for a consultation about a problem he or they were having. When I walked into the restaurant and was introduced to them I was immediately struck by the fact that even though I knew a lot about their personalities and work habits I couldn't tell by sight which one was which. That is unusual in that 3 were minorities, 2 were significantly weight challenged, and 1 limped. Two were drop dead gorgeous. In a period of 3 years not once were any of those attributes used to describe them. Lunch that day for me was a lesson in the ultimate form of respect. How often, when talking about someone, do you mention their race or weight or hair color or even gender when that information is actually irrelevant to the discussion. Welcome to subtle prejudice.

Changing prejudice is neither fast nor easy. It requires sincerely questioning often closely held beliefs, attitudes and emotions. Hate comes easy, tolerance comes hard. If you would like to change your attitudes I would suggest, at least, the following steps. First, closely evaluate your belief systems and search out overt or covert prejudice. Get help from others (not of the same prejudice) if you need it. Then begin to take on tasks that might strongly challenge belief systems. For instance, you might read books like Nelson Zink's Structure of Delight or Daniel Quinn's Ishmael or his Story of B. As you do this evaluate what you will lose and what you will gain from changing the attitude. Frankly, if there is no gain, why switch. But whether it is you, your partner, or your child who is picked on for weight, height, color, gender or beliefs how will you feel? If you would prefer for your self, partner and children to be safe than you need to put in the discipline and sacrifice to make yourself safe for others.

The final question is about collective responsibility. Granted, in the scenarios listed at the beginning of this article probably most of the 120 people didn't see the punch thrown, but some had to. Is there, or isn't there, some obligation on all of us to intervene? If the answer is no then it is time to tell all children that they are on their own.

Attacks get widely publicized when a crowd watched someone assaulted and no one helped. Our task is not to put ourselves at undo risk for strangers, but you need to ask yourself what level of responsibility do you have for others (and what level of help would you hope for from others)? If I were attacked on the street I would hope bystanders would at minimum call 911 and at maximum someone might step up and help. Recently I was in front of my house late one night moving a lawn sprinkler. Two houses down I noticed someone wandering around a neighbor's house with a flashlight. No lights in the house could be seen from where I stood. Briefly I considered ignoring it. Risky to go and easy to figure I never saw anything. But that answer was unacceptable, this is my neighbor. I considered getting my gun, but remembered that about 90% of the time guns lead to innocent people getting shot so the gun stayed in my gun safe. Then, with heart beating a little faster I walked down to the neighbors. The good news was it was my neighbor's son out collecting nightcrawlers. But I felt better that I went.

In no way do I claim to be an expert on social conscience or our collective responsibility to each other. But I do believe that it is neither safe nor socially prudent to believe that we are islands. Neighborhood watches have made major impacts on crime. Community and parental involvement have made new programs emerge for teens and children in many communities. This is our collective responsibility! All too often we want safety but don't want to be involved. Well wake up folks...if you want to be safe you better be prepared to offer safety. If that means you need education, training or both - then get them!

In the end it doesn't matter which examples are typical. As long as the first scenes depicted in this article occur we must deal with the risks and prejudice females face.

Archives of previous articles:

Upgrading How You Relate by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Friend, Stranger or Enemy by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Protecting Soul and Psyche by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

The Answer is Mutual Respect by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Certainty as the Cure for Anger II by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Undertaking Marriage by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Who Am I by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Trust by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

Three Faces of Fear by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D. and Chelona Edgerly, Ph.D.

Do The Hard Things by Connie Pruss

Strong Is Sexy by Chelona Edgerly, Ph.D.