This is the third in a series of five articles on strengthening relationships and building the skills to protect your partner emotionally, physically and spiritually. The articles are taken from the workbook for the Untaming Relationships workshop. Click here to read the first in the series.
By David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Copyright 1998
Does your partner know what you think about them? Not just the things you tell them but the private stuff in your head. Would you want them to know? If not, it's time to change that! This article will explore how you talk about your partner and how you let other people talk about them.
There are at least three ways you talk about your partner. First, and possibly most important is how you talk about them (think about them) to yourself. What you say in your mind. Second, is how you talk about your partner to your partner. What do you say to them about themselves. Finally, there is how you speak about your partner to others. Do you build them up…brag about them…praise them? Or do you make snide comments, complain or say things in a negative tone.
What you rehearse in your mind has a major effect on what you believe and how you feel. Usually in the days of courtship you thought about your partner in almost exclusively positive terms. When you pictured them or thought about them you probably smiled and contemplated wonderful things about that person. Do you still practice the same thoughts in your mind today? If not, that is part of why you no longer feel the same about them. The first defense of your partner begins in your own brain.
Many people function as though the thoughts in their mind are outside their control. Yet if the thoughts weren't created, refined and maintained by you then someone else or something else is running your brain. Perhaps the thought police or aliens have taken over your mind. But if these forces haven't assumed command of your brain it is time you become conscious of running it.
The beauty of the fact you run your own brain is you can change how you think and feel. The hard part is you can't blame or point the finger at anyone else. So given this good news begin today planning and practicing what you think. Each person and their partner will favor certain thoughts over others. For instance you might think of your partner as creative, intelligent, attractive, hard working, loyal, kind, humorous, sensitive, etc. Those qualities which you and they prefer need to dictate the thoughts you develop and practice. When you start this process of protecting your partner in your own brain your feelings for him or her will begin to parallel your thoughts. Then, when you think of your partner a smile will spread across your face.
The second area to examine is how you speak to your partner. Often I meet people who believe it is their ordained duty to correct and educate their partner. Did you form this partnership because you liked and loved your partner or because you wanted to overhaul them? Assuming it is not your job to rebuild this other person then your words need to focus on protecting and enhancing their thoughts, feelings and dreams. By the way, do you even know your partner's dreams? In practical terms this means orienting your speech to positive, reinforcing comments. As you focus more of your speech in this direction your partner will begin feeling safer and safer in your presence.
In no way is this article intended to say that 100% of your input to your partner is going to be positive. Everyone has things they hope their partner will change. The point is that if, for instance, you wanted to change 10% of the way your partner does things then 90% of your comments ought to be uplifting. As you shift to where your partner feels safer emotionally then intimacy will grow. They will begin telling you more and more about how they feel and what they think and dream. In turn, they will become even more interested in attending to you in the same way.
After completing the tasks of managing your own mind and controlling how you speak to your partner the third area will be fairly easy. Since your normal thought and speech patterns will be supportive and protective, friends will begin to notice you speaking more highly about your partner. The one exception may be if you have a habit of having complained to your friends about your partner. Breaking this habit, if you have it, is quite important. A good rule of thumb is never say anything to anyone you wouldn't feel free to say to your partner. So, if you would be uncomfortable coming home and telling your partner what you said about them--don't say it. This means telling them exactly what you said and how you said it. For instance, if you told a friend your partner was a pigheaded jerk it is not the same if you report to your partner that you said they could be a little stubborn sometimes. These are not the same comments. It is also not ok to tell someone a series of complaints about your partner and then think you washed them away by adding a few affirmations about your partner and your relationship. Keep your speech to others consistent with how you are now thinking about and speaking to your partner.
If your partner knows you praise them, build them up, even brag about them to other people they will feel even safer with you. The sense that you are loyal and believe in them adds credibility to the positive feedback you give your partner. Going public with these thoughts and feelings is sort of "the final test" or the "positive proof" of how you feel and think.
Finally, in protecting the heart of your partner you need to examine how you tolerate other people speaking about them. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. That does not give them the right or privilege to speak that opinion to you.
Actually, when you begin speaking positively about your partner many potential negative comments from others will fade away. Other people will know how you feel about your partner and will be more hesitant to speak poorly of them. Further, the way others view your partner will improve based on your input.
However, if anyone dares to speak ill of your partner in your presence it is time for you to stop them and correct them. It is no longer acceptable to be "nice" or "polite" in an effort to maintain the relationship with this friend, acquaintance or enemy. Politely, but firmly, inform the other person you disagree and will not tolerate listening to them speak poorly of your partner. This includes backhanded criticism or disparaging "jokes". Too often people tolerate, or even participate in, joking about their partner. No more!
A final thought is important here. If you have trouble coming up with honest positive things to think and say about your partner it is time to reevaluate how you see them. It is not necessary for them to be Mother Teresa to see them as kind or generous. They don't have to be Albert Einstein to see them as intelligent. Nor do they have to be Bill Gates to see them as successful. If after rethinking how you evaluate your partner you still don't have a huge list of positive attributes you need to go back and reread Friend, Stranger or Enemy.
The next article, building on the first three, will explore receiving and providing help. This, again, assumes you and your partner are friends and have been applying the principles in the first three articles. The next article in this five part series will appear approximately Feb. 26, 1998.
Click here to write the author.
Archives of previous articles:
Upgrading How You Relate by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Friend, Stranger or Enemy by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
The Answer is Mutual Respect by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Certainty as the Cure for Anger II by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Trust by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Undertaking Marriage by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Who Am I by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Hate Crimes Against Women by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Do The Hard Things by Connie Pruss
Strong Is Sexy by Chelona Edgerly, Ph.D.
Three Faces of Fear by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D. and Chelona Edgerly, Ph.D.