This is the rough draft of the first part of the first chapter of Chelona's latest work. The next two parts will appear at 4-6 week intervals.

The Ordinary World

That's Just The Way It Is

By Chelona Edgerly, Ph.D.

This may not be reproduced in part or whole without express written permission.

Most women I know have had, at one time or another, a dream in which something terrifying is happening and they are unable to move. The enemy is approaching quickly, they are aware of impending danger. Their death is imminent. They open their mouths to scream and no sound emerges. They try to run, to hit or kick or scream in terror but they are mute. Their legs and arms move slowly as if filled with lead. Fear and horror grip their souls and yet they remain frozen and quiet, unable to voice their fear, unable to defend themselves.

For many this is just a dream. For some it has happened in reality. For all it is the metaphor for our lives. Silenced in the face of danger, we are unable to find our voices and defend ourselves from harm whether physical or emotional.

How many times have we gone away from a conflict and spent the next several hours or days redoing the fight in our heads, wishing we had said this or that? Coming up with clever responses to every blow that was dealt us. Feeling defeated--bested by an opponent we know we could have conquered. Yet the next conflict comes along and again we are silent. A deafening silence that hurts not only our ears but also our souls, as we refuse once again to protect ourselves in the face of danger.

This is the ordinary world in which we as women live. We have become so accustomed to this world that we no longer see the dangers of our own actions. We allow ourselves to be lulled into complacency, convincing ourselves that there is nothing we can do to change the situation. "That's just how it is!"

There is an old Irish folk tale of the Banshee Woman, the ghostly white woman of the fairy mounds whose harsh wail warns people of their impending death. To some she appears as a beautiful maiden with a soft and tender call, luring those who listen to a sweet and gentle death. To others she appears as a crone, the wise old woman, warning her children of the horror of their approaching death.

Since Victorian times, women in America have been hearing the sweet and gentle cry of the maiden Banshee enticing them to the slow and choking death of niceness training. The Banshee Maiden seduces women with the delights of a tamed spirit. She teaches them to smile when they are angry, speak softly or not at all, sacrifice for others and never, never complain. After years of being pleasing, unspoken anger chokes the airways of these tamed women. They can no longer breath the clean air of freedom. Fear of conflict tightens like a noose around their necks. As a deer halted in the headlights of the oncoming car, they are frozen in their path. And the cry of the Banshee Maiden lures them sweetly to their death.

These gentlewomen, tamed by years of niceness training, lie down without a struggle, for to fight for their lives has become foreign and forbidden. Their natural instinct to kick and punch and run is locked in the iceberg of fear. Their screams are weak and frail -- smothered by years of repressed rage. Fear of anger, fear of conflict, fear of loss of relationship keep their limbs frozen and their will to fight numbed.

Slowly, but with gaining force the Banshee's cry is changing. The seductive luring of the Maiden is changing to a warning wail of the old Crone, forecrying a death filled with horror for those women who have lost their will to fight.

Beware of challenging the Banshee Woman for to do so is to leave behind the seductive delights of dependency, the simplicity of limited choices and the freedom of letting others make the difficult moral decisions of life. Few have chosen to explore or unleash their wild power and to claim their authentic, rightful place in this world. To claim her power a woman must confront her fear of conflict and embrace her untamed and wild nature.

But some are hearing the Banshee cry and refusing to lie down and die. They come from all walks of life, the corporate executive and the homemaker, the nurse and the secretary, married and single. Some are tall, some short; some are old and some young; some are out-of-shape and others physically fit. They come because they are women, unhappy, frightened of the world, themselves and those around them. They come because they are angry, from years of oppression and repression. They come because they are bored, tired of being nice, sweet and gentle.

This is the story of their journeys. It is the heroine's path through her fear and anger to newfound passion and joy. Come join them on this journey -- the most important journey of your life. It is a journey that will drive you in ways you have never been driven before. It will force you to conquer your fears, learn to deal with your anger and most of all propel you straight into facing your astonishing fear of conflict. It is a journey of transformation; fear and anger become courage and passion, conflict avoidance turns to creative aggression while boredom explodes into excitement. Lives are saved from the stifling death of niceness training. Women learn to unleash their power and untame their souls.

NICENESS TRAINING

With each new group of women I teach, I am reminded once again of the strength and depth of the fears--mine and theirs. The lure of the Banshee Maiden is indeed strong, her message of delightful dependency and passive acceptance driven home by years of niceness training.

Women are frightened of their own dualistic nature--of feeling both compassion and aggression; of being both nurturing and deadly; of loving and hating. For many generations, women have been indoctrinated in niceness training and the feminine code of relationships at all cost. You know the rules - - look pretty, speak softly, never be angry; sacrifice for others, maintain relationships at all costs and most of all never ever complain!

When I speak about niceness training women instantly and instinctively know exactly what I am talking about. We have all experienced it. "Be nice!" A command we have all heard frequently. Speak quietly and don't be too rowdy. Little girls must act like ladies! As we approach our teenage years the pressure increases. We learn to smile when we are angry, to pout and cry when we are hurt. We learn to curb and hide our physical and emotional strength because others won't like us if we are smart and aggressive.

Our mothers teach us to be passive and demure--not proud and dynamic--just as their mothers taught them and their mothers before them. It is the code of womanhood, passed down through the generations. It is the code of which the Banshee Maiden cries. It is the code, which if left unchanged, will cause the death of many woman, if not physically then certainly it will tame their spirits and numb their souls.

With this emphasis on women speaking and acting only in behalf of others, the "Angel in the House" side of women's nature has become very strong. Women are lopsided; profoundly out of balance with themselves. The denial of the wild side of women's nature leaves them in a very precarious spot. They no longer know how to defend themselves and their young. Not only do they not know how, they have come to believe that it is wrong, or not "nice" to do so. People tend to gravitate toward those who are nice but weak; and reject those women who are strong and powerful.

But women themselves are not comfortable with their dualistic nature. While society at large has certainly encouraged us to overdevelop our "Angel" natures, we as group have also discouraged the development of our wild, Untamed natures. In order for a woman to maintain her code of niceness and particularly in order for her pass it on to her daughter, she must develop a fear and hatred for the "bad" women of the world. In order for her to not give in to her own temptations she must denounce those women who seek pleasure and power.

This distinction between "nice women" and "bad women" has become strong in the hearts, minds and bodies of today's women. Nice women embody all the attributes generally associated with femininity. They are gentle, kind, self-sacrificing, and interested only in healing and community. Bad women, on the other hand embody all the characteristics of the Untamed side. They are sensual, sexual, powerful, spontaneous and free. Often, they are seen as self seeking and power hungry. As women have denied their own pleasures and power, they have inflated the value of compromise and cooperation and have developed a consummate hatred of passion and a fear of all that is untamed.

With this kind of cultural conditioning the losses women are experiencing are enormous. The ordinary world for most women has become limited--limited by the rules of niceness training. Rules passed down to us by our mothers and their mothers before them.

Let's explore these losses together. Remember that the losses which you have experienced may not be the exact same ones that I or others have experienced. Stay tuned. These losses will be explored in the next installment of this chapter which will appear on the web site next month.

Input is sought on this work. Please send it to the author at: cdgerly@adams.net

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Thank you.

Part 2 of this chapter

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