Man's Best Friend

By David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.

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Chelona was recently watching an infomercial by one of the nations leading authors/speakers on marriage and relationship. He was explaining about some basic "male" need for a dog. The idea was a man needs the warm, excited, energetic reception he receives from his dog when he gets home. First, he identified this as a "male only" need and second, he said, in essence, don't expect this from your partner, if you want this, "get a dog". I disagree.

The places I disagree with the noted author are two-fold. First, an excited and warm welcome, in my opinion and experience is equally pleasing to both genders. I've yet to have a woman complain to me "my partner is always so pleased to see me when I get home". Both genders want to believe, and experience, their partner being excited to get home just to see them. Just to say hi, kiss them, hold them, and share their days.

Second, when he says "don't expect this from your partner". Why not? That greeting by this speaker's "dog" lasts somewhere between 30 seconds and 2 minutes. Even if partners came in and out of the house after being away several times a day we're only talking about a total of a couple of minutes.

For several years I have directed couples to greet each other when they come home. How this is done can be negotiated. The person home can rush to meet the one arriving, or the one arriving can rush to find the one who is home. But no matter what, greet each other. Greet each other with enthusiasm, excitement and passion. Whenever a couple follows this directive they report an immediate change in their relationship. So let's get real. What is your relationship worth to you? How much does your partner mean to you? Are they worth 3-12 minutes a day? Are you doing anything so important that it is more important than the longevity of your relationship?

Frankly, how much would it take for you to drop everything for 30 seconds to 2 minutes? Is what you are doing so important it overrides your relationship with your partner? A common interference is completing a task on the computer, as though somehow if the person doesn't stay with it the Internet will vanish forever. Another interference is children, who certainly can be demanding. You may have to train your children to recognize this time together as sacred, but isn't that the training you hope they get? Their future partners will certainly appreciate it.

When you greet your partner there are some very simple and basic concepts. First, smile. Make eye contact. Say "Hello" and "I love you". Better yet, say "I'm so glad to see you", "I'm so glad to be home". Then, if touching is ok, give a warm hug, and better yet a hug and a kiss. Might even try a warm and meaningful kiss instead of that little "marital peck" that so many couples deteriorate to. Then ask "How are you?" and listen to the answer…really listen. Share something, anything interesting out of your day.

Guess what? You just spent the most valuable 30 seconds to 2 minutes you could on your relationship.

Want to make it even better? When you are coming home think of all the great things about your partner. Reminisce about all the reasons you fell in love or are in love and all the delightful traits, quirks, and idiosyncrasies that make your partner special. Your authenticity will go sky high when you get home. The person at home can do the same thing. You usually know approximately when your partner is getting home. Start the same mental process 10 minutes before they arrive. Even if you are wrestling 2, 3 or even more energetic children you can get in 60-90 seconds of quality mental preparation.

Chelona and I own two dogs, and frankly their greeting is truly delightful for both of us. But when either of us get home, the first creature to get a kiss, a greeting and a hug is each other. The dogs can wait. They don't like it, but frankly, Chelona means a whole lot more to me than they do.

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