Time Together Apart
By David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Copyright 1999. This article may not be reproduced in part or whole without express written permission from Untaming Programs or Best Selling Authors, LLC.
For most couples one or both members work full time. With full time jobs, including commuting and perhaps a little overtime the partners are "apart" at least 50 hours a week. With other obligations, such as children, civic involvement, clubs, etc. this time apart increases rapidly.
Typically people consider this to be time apart from their partner. However, the reality is, anywhere from a little, to a lot, of this time is actually spent together. This togetherness occurs in a person's mind. In my practice I find most of this "Mind Time" is negative. Mind Time can be one of the most useful (or destructive) influences on the quality of your relationship.
The notion of Mind Time involves two questions. First, do you think of your partner when you are not physically together? Second, if or when you do think of them, what do you think? It would be my observation that most couples don't think of each other often enough and usually do it only when they are ruminating about some negatively perceived event. If you watch yourself for a few days you may quickly find that when you feel slighted, offended or ignored by your partner you have no trouble remembering to think of them. You spend lots of time rehearsing "how horribly you were treated" or "what a stinky partner you have". This behavior makes going home less than pleasant and you've probably already scripted and rehearsed the fight you will spring upon your partner, and calculated how long you will "punish" them with your incessant sulking. STOP this destructive behavior NOW!
As to the first question, the reality is everyone thinks of his or her partner occasionally, even if it's not daily. To maximize the use of Mind Time in your relationship the first step is to make a habit of thinking of your partner regularly, on a daily basis. This can be done through a variety of ways. One reminder could be to use notes stuck to places like your dashboard, your desk, your cell phone or any other place you will encounter them at least a few times each day. All you need is a tiny post-it with your partner's name written on it, or even just a little stickem gold star like kids receive in the first grade. Any visual cue will do. Another is to put your partner's picture somewhere you will see it: on your desk, in your locker, in your wallet next to your credit cards, etc. You can increase your own presence in your partner's Mind Time by leaving phone messages, notes, etc. With practice, thinking of your partner will become second nature. START NOW!
Now that you have begun increasing your conscious use of Mind Time it is important to also TAKE CONTROL of how you spend your Mind Time. Oddly, when people make poor use of this time, not only is it hard on one's partner but also is literally self-abuse. Many people can ruin an entire day just wasting away in Stephen Kingish Mind Time.
Taking control of your own thoughts (they are your own, you know) involves picking what you will think about. The easiest tool is simply remembering recent pleasant interactions with your partner. These could be a kind word or gesture, a smile or times laughing together, a passionate tryst or something you admire in them. In case you can't think of anything recent then you want to have a list of older memories to reminisce about through the day. A few of these memories will do, I hope you have more than a few, and a lengthy list can give you far more to play with. Don't hesitate to go way back in time. One of my favorites was a time when Chelona and I were courting. I came home to my apartment from a long hard day and sitting on the counter was a full course dinner just needing to be put in the oven. It always makes me smile when I remember.
Now, there is one caveat I would advise as you begin to practice this new version of Mind Time. Some people have a very bad habit of turning the positive into a negative. For instance, in my dinner example some people would then proceed to look at how few times she cooks now and then revert to Stephen Kingish thoughts. What a waste of time and an abuse of yourself and each other. For me, I smile even more because knowing how little she likes to cook, that event grows even bigger and better. A sacrifice by her, for me, just as it is now anytime she cooks for me. So actually, all the meals she cooks become great material for Mind Time. If you are one of those people who endlessly can find the flaw or the missing part, begin to practice stopping the Mind Time at the end of the good memory, before your negative analysis begins. Change your thoughts to something else then go back to the good memory and start it over. With practice and repetition you will quickly find you spend longer and longer in the delightful thoughts with less and less intrusion of less desirable ones.
A second component of managing Mind Time is that you have a major influence on your partner's Mind Time. By virtue of a few, almost timeless, interactions you can completely alter your partner's thoughts. For instance, the other day Chelona walked up to me, gave me a kiss, and said, "I'm so glad you're my husband". Guess what I thought about all day. Not only did I think about it all day at work, but also I could hardly wait till we got together so I could find out what prompted that comment. When I manage to get out of the office earlier than Chelona I usually leave a note telling her I love her, and then call a little later again saying "I love you, I miss you and I can hardly wait till you get home". Total time commitment is about 1-3 minutes. I would suggest that if you will start stacking the deck in your own favor you will reap literally hours of benefit for every minute spent. No matter how good the current stock market there is nothing I know that can consistently give you a 60 to 1 return on your investment within 6-8 weeks.
In many ways Mind Time can be the make or break it of your partnership. Sincerely, I believe that if people would diligently take command of their own Mind Time from early in their relationship 50% of my marriage counseling practice would vanish, and the rest would reduce counseling time by 50%. Frankly, the relationship-gain would be more than enough motivation for most people, but for the die-hard people motivated by money, you get the increased feelings of love, the higher quality of relationship and a better happiness in life, and think of the money you'll save.
.